Shoulda Coulda Woulda

I told him I was doubting that he actually loved me, and then I went on to tell him what Scott said.  Yeah, that went over well.  So most of my Sunday night was spent listening to him diss Scott.  In the midst of his yelling he says something like if I don't like it here I can pack my bags...I'm not going to be told twice to leave, so I go to the room and start packing.  This sends our fight into a whole other direction.  I don't know why I even bothered, I'm really not going anywhere.  I've given up.  On everything.

 

My life is so over.  I can already see the big 3-0, that really is old.  For all intents and purposes I may as well be turning 50.  I wish I could turn back time.  I've squandered my 20's away.  I don't know what happened, it seems I hit 22 and that's where I started fucking up.  My brother says 'Scott happened'.  I can't place blame there, I was fucked up long before Scott came around.  I think I just managed to hide the crazy for a few good years (after kiddie rehab).  

 

What would I have done differently if I could go back? I don't know....two things stick out.  One, I would have (probably should have) chased Jeremy to fkn Alabama.  But noooooo this chica was adament about going to college back then....TWO, once we'd broken up and I remained in school, I should have changed majors the minute I started hating my chosen one.  At the time the change would have cost me extra time in school.  Even then I knew I wasn't going to work forever, just long enough to get married, so I thought why bother.  Hell, I still didn't graduate until almost five years after I dropped out, so yeah, I should have just made the change.  But as we all know, there are no do-overs in life.  I actually am returning to school in the fall.  Maybe.  That is the plan, but who knows how I'll be feeling the day I need to get everything moving. 

 

Anyway, here I am hating life.  My life that is, but apparently not enough to do something about it.  I wish I could have been born with a perfect life, into a perfect family instead of the dysfunctional freakazoid clan I belong to.  I wish I had it in me to pass on a perfect life to my perfect sons.  But even that I've already fucked up.  

 

I should have just stuck with Scott too.  At least he made my life ok, I didn't have to face realities with him.  He dealt with life for me.  Even then life was hard for me.  

 

Oh well, it is what it is.  

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Comments (5)

  1. capshaw

    Its never too late to be happy. Just do the best you can. That’s all anyone can do. Stop stressing and let it happen. : )

    January 19, 2015
    1. bechtol

      I’m feeling better. It is what it is. Isn’t that what you always say?

      January 20, 2015
      1. capshaw

        Exactly.

        January 20, 2015
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  3. shadowstarz

    One day, you won’t feel the heaviness associated with your past decisions, or mistakes, whichever way you’d like to reconcile them as. Just, don’t be so hard on yourself, we can only do what we feel is right, at the time. Obviously, you did what you did, for whatever reason(s) !? Unfortunately, what’s done, is done. All that’s left to do, is to heal and move forward with your life, positively. Without torturing yourself, too much. You can’t take all the blame as there’s always 2 parties involved in a relationship.

    January 20, 2015
    1. bechtol

      Thank you for commenting. I tend to dwell a lot on my past since I’m not as happy as I could be in my present. I need to come up with a second life plan (cuz obviously I went way off course with the 1st one!) and follow it. I just don’t know what I need to be doing or should be doing.

      January 20, 2015