Still in my hometown.
Last Saturday Gerry came down to celebrate the holiday. We had a good time. After dinner he presented me with a ring. It was an engagement ring. Only it didn't come with a proposal, not that I was expecting one, or wanting one for that matter. When I saw the ringbox I just assumed it was going to be any old ring, but then I opened it. I immediately noticed it wasn't, and I told him it looked like an engagement ring. To which he said it was...I'm not hearing a proposal. He explains---he said I seem to need constant assurance about where we stand and he bought this ring so that I could know he is serious about me and he'd like for us to eventually end in marriage. He thought I'd feel more secure about us and beging to take us a bit more seriously. Hmm....
This might have been a sweet gesture had I been wanting this. But....the truth is, I don't and can't take us seriously. You know why? Because people don't change. I can look back on all our time together (not literally together, but in the time we've known each other) and I see things that I don't like. Like the time he clearly said "Guys don't drop everything for girls like you." That hurt me deeply at the time. Looking back on it, it was a foolish thing for me to ask him to drop everything (mainly career) to move down south just to be closer to me. But you know, there was much better ways for him to say that. He said though what was clearly at the front of his mind. Then there was the time back when we were still neighbors and I had the house to myself because Scott and I were seperated and I remained in it while he lived in Austin. He'd have co-workers drop him off at my place, and they'd drive all the way into my garage so nobody would see who was being dropped off. He'd have me meet them in the garage, to show me off. I'm not stupid...this wasn't some kind of thing where he was proud of who he was dating, he was basically showing the much younger guys who he was fucking. At the time, sure I'm shallow, I enjoyed being showed off that way, but now looking back it bothers me.
Aside from past behaviours, there are current issues. I still hear my brother's words playing in my head 'if he cheated with you, he will cheat on you.' Of course the same could be said about me, which makes me wonder how much trust he'd have for me....as it stands now I get tracked with my phone and I am tracked--he'll suddenly appear to meet me at the oddest moments. He'll say he wanted to meet for lunch, or whatever excuse, but no, I'm sure he is checking out what I'm doing whereever it is he is showing up. I remember Scott's words too, 'he's only with you because he's lost most of his money in the divorce', what if that were true?
Then there is the issue of his family. I get along (and like) the 16 and 19 year old, whether they like me or not I don't know, but we all get along and they treat me well. Getting together with them is always a pleasant experience. The 16 yr old and I even go shopping together and on more than one occasion I've brought her down to Austin when I had visitation wknds. (Never mind that she's supposed to be with her dad for his visitation). But that 22 yr old, NO. I cannot stand. She is clearly her mother's daughter and she always likes to goad me into shit. She says crap that I'm sure she hears her fat cow mother say. And yeah, sometimes I take the bait. Like the Christmas vacation where Gerry's family came down because I invited them....she told me her mother said I was trying to hard to keep her Dad. At that moment he walked into the kitchen and I told him what his daughter had just said...his reply was to kiss me and then turn to his daughter and say, 'Tell your mom Sara's HAD me for a long time now and she didn't have to try to hard.' Or something like that anyway, she stormed off. That is only one example of it, the list can go on. Sometimes I am in a good enough mood and ignore her or other times I'll tell her I don't know why her mother is so bitter, SHE is the one who filed for divorce, she should be happy she's rid of Gerry. But no....old fat bitter women are rarely happy.
Anyway, people don't change. I was basically somebody he fucked with and he didn't love me then, why would I believe he loves me now? What changed? Nothing has changed. IF he had wanted me, we could have become a couple a long time ago. Even now, the fact that we're living together doens't mean much. It wasn't a move that resulted from time dating. When I left Scott he found out I was going to be looking for a place and he suggested I "stay" with him for a while. I did, and I think we both liked the arrangement. He got sex and I got that secure feeling of being cared for.
I think it is HIM who thinks an engagement ring on my finger will benefit. He thinks it's going to hold me to him. Well, I guess it would. A ring on my finger is not going to make any doubts I have about him or us just go away. I never gave it much thought about what I wanted from this relationship. Or I guess I should say I didn't think about what the far future looked like for us. I do know that he was not happy about me saying I didn't want to wear it. I think we're still technically together. I'm not even sure, nor am I even worried about it.
What I do know is, I have decided I am going to remain in town. This makes the most sense for me. This is where Matty lives. If I live here I get to see him much more than just my visitation wknd. If I'm in town I know that Matty's grandmother (who's his babysitter during the week) will invite me to lunch with them, or shopping, or over for dinner. I'd be seeing my son constantly. Scott is in San Antonio which is close by, he still insists on exercising his right to visit my son. So I'm close incase something were to happen......though I think more often than not he takes Will to Aggieland because that's where the other two kiddos are. But it also means Scott is close enough to me incase something happens with Will.
I am working with my dad. I don't want to bother to get a real job because I will be going to school full time in fall and I think I'm going to do a couple of classes in summer. This town is convienient for me. This is where my Matty is, this is where I should be.
Ohhhh, and the bigger news, I got my own place. My apartment will be ready March 5th.
I think I am worth trying to live happy.