I'm Not Worth It

I drank today.  This is why I don't really bother counting my sober days.  At AA over the years I've heard the other alcoholics say that they can count the days and they know exactly how many days sober they've been.  Some don't understand how I can not know when I took my last drink.  Why would I count them? I mean I've done so before and I fall.  Why would I bother counting.  I think the longest sobriety period I've had is when I was pregnant with Matty.  I counted the days then, though now I can't recall what the number was.  It must have been nine months, I recall I drank around the time of conception and made it all the way to my delivery day.  Yeah, not my proudest moment, he was forced into the world two weeks early as a result.  I am a fucked up person. 

 

I'm a fucked up person who can't deal with life.  I know some might say that's a cop out or a sorry excuse, but that's me.  And I can't deal with life.  It's so hard.  I am not a perfect person and I am not sure why I bother trying to reach perfection.  No matter what I do, I am still that fucked up person.  That fucked up person who came from fucked up people who provided me with a fucked up life.  And apparently nobody could save me then and nobody is going to save me now.  I will never have the life I think I deserve.  Nothing I do now is going to change my past or erase it.  I'm never going to overcome it.  We are who we are.

 

Being called a slut yesterday, or that's what was implied anyway, brought it all to the front....I will never be good enough for anybody.  I needn't try any more.  I may as well face it, I am pretty and I'm good in bed, that's what I bring to this relationship.  He's not going to see me for anything more than that.  I was only fooling myself.

 

For now I'm here...I can only roll with the flow and hope the alcohol is enough to take me through it.

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Comments (29)

  1. mr-ghost214

    I think you said you don’t really bother counting your sober days?

    December 19, 2014
    1. bechtol

      I don’t, I’d probably been sober close to two months, can’t pinpoint it.

      December 19, 2014
  2. SEC

    For some it is an incentive to increase the “record” for others it is not. That is why at the heart it is “one day at a time”. One day is all we are given to choose how we will spend it. By the way you are worth it.

    December 19, 2014
    1. bechtol

      Today was Day 1 again. At least I didn’t feel the need to continue with the drinking.

      December 20, 2014
      1. SEC

        Each one is a victory! And the fact that the drive to continue was defeated is a major step in the right direction!

        December 21, 2014
  3. shadowstarz

    If you’re sleeping with every tom, dick and harry, eventually, it’ll diminish your self – worth as the peering eyes of others whom don’t approve, will drag you down with their disapproval. Unfortunately, it’s the way others will make you feel about yourself as their observations will pierce you, like knives. You know you’re beautiful, so don’t allow others to bring you down but by the same token, exercising a little self regulation or moderation might be a good thing.
    *
    In time, you’ll learn that most men will use you for your body, because they can. Therefore, they won’t invest their time, love or nurturing into you if you’ve been had, more times than they can count on their hands. I know, because I too was in the same boat as you, at one stage in my life. Nowadays, I don’t fall into their traps, and do my own thing. Which, doesn’t involve self medicating or using men to relieve my stresses because I’ve learnt that they’re my trigger point, for escalating behaviors. Men, I can’t live with or without them. They’ve become the bane of my existence, however, I’ve learnt how to temper them in my life. With time, you will too, if that’s what you will.
    *
    Hopefully, 2015 is a year full of growth, and self realisation for you ! Please, take care and be kind to yourself.

    December 19, 2014
    1. This comment has been deleted
    2. bechtol

      I don’t sleep around. The last 15 months or so I’ve been seeing this guy (Gerry) even before divorcing Scott. So he really had no right throwing anything in my face. And he really has no room for talking crap because I was one of many for him. Thx for the comment. Merry Christmas.

      December 21, 2014
  4. stealthhhh

    Pretty and good in bed?…is any test drive available?

    December 20, 2014
    1. bechtol

      Nick? You’re never amusing. Go away.

      December 21, 2014
      1. stealthhhh

        Of course and I am amusing, in pink!!! LOL!…Sara, Merry Christmas.

        December 22, 2014
        1. bechtol

          Merry Christmas to you too Nico.

          December 22, 2014
          1. stealthhhh

            Thank you, you can dress like Santa and I will sit on your sexy legs or between them…LOL!

            December 22, 2014
      2. stealthhhh

        I would put another pic but it’s almost Christmas and I don’t want to make you mad!!! LOL!

        On second thought…lol!

        December 22, 2014
        1. bechtol

          I knew it was you. Hey do you have any Christmas pics of me? I can’t get into my old pdc acct.

          December 22, 2014
          1. stealthhhh

            Christmas pics of you?…lol..I have no pics of you, had told you to send me some hundreds, nude one’s and I would dress you, but you never did send me any, and also never spoken to me again…LOL

            December 22, 2014
            1. bechtol

              You did have some because you’re a stalker and you used to lift them from my blogs to post on your blogs. And sometimes you’d photoshop them in not so nice ways. I’m looking for the one where I’m wearing a Santa hat.

              December 22, 2014
          2. stealthhhh

            And of course and am not a stalker, and yet again, I have no photos of you or anyone as a matter of fact. You need a good spanking, cause you insulted me. LOL!

            December 22, 2014
  5. perkyparky

    sorry you had a drink…i hadn’t read your blog’s for a while and then I read your Decenber entries and you sounded so happy…than everything changed…you DO deserve to be happy. I don’t know whether you are physically beautiful but I KNOW you are a beautiful person, when you are sober. I hope your Christmas is merry and drama free…You deserve it.

    December 20, 2014
    1. bechtol

      Miss you.

      December 20, 2014
  6. stealthhhh

    Why don’t you come to blogster, I feel lonely there, I will not comment on your blog if you register, I’ll just read them. People are nice and well, I feel very lonely there, without you.

    December 22, 2014
    1. bechtol

      Because I am quite content here. I don’t care whether or not I have an audience so what would it matter where I’m at. I think the blogs at pdc are working again. Not that I’d return there for blogging.

      December 22, 2014
      1. stealthhhh

        Good, stay here then, it’s better to not have you there, since you think am a stalker, and what does stalker mean anyway?…lol!

        December 22, 2014
        1. bechtol

          What’s a stalker? Look in the mirror…..

          December 22, 2014
          1. stealthhhh

            I knew it…love can’t hide!…love you too! LOL!

            December 23, 2014
  7. ru5ty

    Please note here bechtol that you are worth it. We all need time for the pieces of the puzzle to fall-into-place. Until then, please don’t feel this way. Thank you and please take care.

    December 22, 2014
    1. bechtol

      Thanks, I am back to normal—well as normal as I usually am. Just drank that one day and got over my little pity party.

      December 22, 2014
      1. ru5ty

        You’re most welcome. Glad to know that all is back to being good. Please be well.

        December 22, 2014
  8. stealthhhh

    So my Sara, when will I see through your sexy eyes? LOL!

    December 23, 2014
  9. stealthhhh

    http://www.blogster.com/stealthhhh/omg-youre-something
    I liked this song, so I used it with the most appropriate way, I like it that the distance between us is more than 12.000 miles, cause it makes it easier not to love or hate ..hahahaha.

    December 23, 2014