I drank today. This is why I don't really bother counting my sober days. At AA over the years I've heard the other alcoholics say that they can count the days and they know exactly how many days sober they've been. Some don't understand how I can not know when I took my last drink. Why would I count them? I mean I've done so before and I fall. Why would I bother counting. I think the longest sobriety period I've had is when I was pregnant with Matty. I counted the days then, though now I can't recall what the number was. It must have been nine months, I recall I drank around the time of conception and made it all the way to my delivery day. Yeah, not my proudest moment, he was forced into the world two weeks early as a result. I am a fucked up person.
I'm a fucked up person who can't deal with life. I know some might say that's a cop out or a sorry excuse, but that's me. And I can't deal with life. It's so hard. I am not a perfect person and I am not sure why I bother trying to reach perfection. No matter what I do, I am still that fucked up person. That fucked up person who came from fucked up people who provided me with a fucked up life. And apparently nobody could save me then and nobody is going to save me now. I will never have the life I think I deserve. Nothing I do now is going to change my past or erase it. I'm never going to overcome it. We are who we are.
Being called a slut yesterday, or that's what was implied anyway, brought it all to the front....I will never be good enough for anybody. I needn't try any more. I may as well face it, I am pretty and I'm good in bed, that's what I bring to this relationship. He's not going to see me for anything more than that. I was only fooling myself.
For now I'm here...I can only roll with the flow and hope the alcohol is enough to take me through it.