I Knew It!!!

I knew he wanted me! I said that several blogs ago too.  I knew the only reason he's now harrassing me about visitations is because he wants me back.  This evening at our exchange he came out with it.  He loves me, wants me back, will do whatever it takes.  It's not happening I told him.  So he goes on to tell me all the reasons Gerry is not the guy for me, blah, blah, blah.  He may very well not be the guy for me, but Scott isn't either.  He want on to say that Gerry isn't going to be able to handle my drinking and eventually I'm going to jump into drinking full force (gee, thanks for the support). 


He offered to take me next month to the east coast (I'd been asking to go to New York/NJ/DC before we seperated this last time. Funny how NOW it can be done.) Once back he said we could look for another rehab place (because he's convinced there's still hope for me, it's just a matter of finding the right place-----sadly, he doesn't understand that NOBODY, NO PLACE is going to take away the emotional pain I feel, nothing's going to make it go away, whether I drink or not I still had a fkd up childhood and fkd up parents, blah, blah, blah that's the hand I was dealt and I will always need something to make me forget it..........Anyway, not that I mentioned any of that, I said no, I'm doing fine with my alcohol addiction. 


I will admit, life is hard.  And I hate doing anything...I don't mean that in a lazy way, I just hate having to deal with life in any form.  I like being told what is what, I like that somebody (Scott then, Gerry now) gets to deal with everyday stuff and I just get to BE.  I take care of my son and play housewife.  I'm fine.  I think.  Maybe. 


But I knew he wanted me back.  Next March will be the 5 year anniversary of when we met.  We've been broken up/apart more time than we've been together.  I am a fucked up person.  I try hard (or maybe not so hard) to not be, but I am who/what I am. 


Even though I knew this already though, it still amazes me that anybody can seriously want me.  What is wrong with him????? I am pretty, yes, and again, I am good in bed, but in Scott's case that was irrelevant because he avoided it with me.  I don't understand him...


OR maybe he's just fucking with my head.


2015 is going to be my year. 

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Comments (1)

  1. bechtol

    That was totally rambly.

    January 01, 2015