I Am Messed Up

My Matty turned three today! I love him more than life itself.  He is such a beautiful, perfect little boy.  I know I have failed him miserably.  I am not a perfect person so therefore can't be the perfect mother.  I have failed, he too like me, will not have the perfect little family.  He already has a brother by a different father and eventually I'm sure he'll have siblings by a different mother.  It's sad really. I wanted so more than anything to provide my children with a perfect life.  It didn't happen.


I take comfort knowing that Jeremy and his family are great people and that my Matty thrives under their care. I am grateful that their love and caring extends over to my Will.  


I take great comfort and will always appreciate that they are what I couldn't be.  I am weak. I am messed up.  I am Matt and Will's alcoholic mommy.


I hope and pray that the love/happiness I see in Matty's face when he sees me will always be there.  I want them to love me even if I don't deserve it.  I want both boys to know they are the most perfect thing ever in my fucked up life.


I am what I am, that fucked up person who can't get her shit together.  

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Comments (4)

  1. capshaw

    I don’t think there is a such thing as a perfect life. Its not like we have a blueprint to follow. We do have beautiful children who love us though. I think that makes us pretty lucky actually. .. wink ..

    February 11, 2015
  2. capshaw

    Hey where are you?

    February 16, 2015
    1. bechtol

      I’m still around Austin, what’s up?

      February 17, 2015
  3. capshaw

    Nothing just hadn’t heard from you in a while.

    February 17, 2015