My Matty turned three today! I love him more than life itself. He is such a beautiful, perfect little boy. I know I have failed him miserably. I am not a perfect person so therefore can't be the perfect mother. I have failed, he too like me, will not have the perfect little family. He already has a brother by a different father and eventually I'm sure he'll have siblings by a different mother. It's sad really. I wanted so more than anything to provide my children with a perfect life. It didn't happen.
I take comfort knowing that Jeremy and his family are great people and that my Matty thrives under their care. I am grateful that their love and caring extends over to my Will.
I take great comfort and will always appreciate that they are what I couldn't be. I am weak. I am messed up. I am Matt and Will's alcoholic mommy.
I hope and pray that the love/happiness I see in Matty's face when he sees me will always be there. I want them to love me even if I don't deserve it. I want both boys to know they are the most perfect thing ever in my fucked up life.
I am what I am, that fucked up person who can't get her shit together.